For five years i didn't have a lot of moments
Moments when i actually felt ... safe.
Or close to safe
Moments when i could breath as easily as the wind blows
When the anxiety wasn't building in my chest like radioactive lava
When i forgot everything that had happened
And everything i knew in my heart was going to happen
Sooner or later
I loved my moments
I built my life around them
Though i was given so few
But something changed
I stopped expecting the moments
Stopped longing for them
Even stopped wanting them
Though they were the thing that was holding me up
Because they were so scarce
It hurt too much when they passed
I forgot that other people wanted to give me moments
Forgot that's how they declared love and friendship
I was scared of them
More scared than of what was happening to my life
I could feel darkness
Chaos approached
Disaster struck
But i couldn't take it in
I'd been there before
It didn't make sense this time either
But it felt different
It didn't feel like death
Or greif
You're gone
And i don't feel like the world is broken
And i don't want to crumble and wither away
It doesn't feel like i have to weep like no human beeing has wept before
It doesn't feel like i wanna scratch my chest till i reach my heart and make the pain go away
I don't even feel like reason is gone or deprived of reason to be

It feels
Like a moment.