A relationship starts as passion. From passion the relationship turns to appreciation, love, shared interests and division of labor. The passionate lover sees beauty in his/her partner, while others – may-be more objective ones – cannot see this beauty. Passion blinds. It is as dangerous to be in love and get married as drunk driving’s. In both cases it doesn’t end up as expected.
A relationship follows a product life cycle curve with a rise and fall. The fall is delayed if the couple is elderly, are financially well off and are well-educated. Some decades ago, couples with a higher income had a tendency to split up more frequently than couples with a lower income. Nowadays there is no difference in this respect. The fall of the relationship may also be delayed by mutual children, new relationships, by moving, by travelling and by new mutual discoveries.
Important for a relationship are mutual interests, so the couple can spend their leisure time together and share the household work.
The personality of the two is essential for the relationship. Some people are more conflict oriented than others, while some are more laisse fair. Someone can go totally bananas by finding their shared toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Another important factor for the relationship is support and encouragement from friends and relatives. A fan club as good as any. For good and for worse you have a relationship with the whole family and friends of the partner.
A relationship between two partners from different countries and even different parts of the world, has a true challenge. Swedes don’t like conflict, contrary to many other cultures. On top of that we have the Swedish melancholy, the honesty, the law and order, the independence, and the anxiety to speak – not to emphasize himself. For sure not an easy-going person to have a relationship with.
A Swedish lady marries an Indian man. It worked well as long as they lived in Sweden, but in India he demanded that she should walk 3 steps behind her. Which she objected to and took the first flight back to Sweden where she appealed for a divorce. In spite of 2 children together.
Maybe it is our similarities that make us understand each other, and our dissimilarities fascinate us. It is claimed that equality is the best for a relationship. However, men marry down the social ladder and women marry up. Values and life patterns differ between the social classes and that’s not good for the relationship.
It looks like love will slowly grow in an arranged marriage. Maybe love will grow over time; however, not in all arranged marriages. In her book “The God of Small Things” Arundhati Roy describes how a wife is badly treated both by her new family but also by the family she grew up in. A prison-like female suppression.
If the two parties aren’t equal concerning their income, the one with a higher income has power over the one with a lower income. Power defined as the one with power can induce someone to act in violation of his interests. A person with power undergoes a personality transformation and converts to a mean person. A horrible situation in a relationship. This is originally referred to as the Lucifer Effect when a prison guard turns to a mean person the minute he’s employed, and he turns his malevolence against the prisoners.
Equality is another important factor. Equality in the sense of being equal. That both parties feel that they have the same dignity in the relationship.
Couples who look upon themselves as a team have a longer life cycle than couples who don’t have the feeling of being a team. The team sticks together disregarding the circumstances. The team against the world. This doesn’t mean that the partner has to agree with the other partner, but against the world they are a team.
The risk that the relationship ends is higher if the partners have been married previously.
Another factor conspiring to end the relationship are the alternatives the parties have. With a good number of alternatives, it is easier to leave than if there are few or no alternatives. Nowadays we have a good number of dating sites. Then the problem is to find Mr./Miss Right. To pick and choose eternally. Maybe there is someone better behind the next profile. One way seemingly rational is to rank the competitors according to a number of criteria. Not specifically romantic. Maybe the best way is just to go for the feel-ing. Or just note that s/he makes me laugh.
Then we can ask ourselves why some people don’t find a partner. Some may be totally involved in his/her work. Others by themselves and their religion. Others by their hobby – marathon running, gym or whatever it may be.
Another factor which breaks the relationship is the competition. Actor and writers competing in the number of roles they get, or who has sold the most books. These couples have a substantially higher divorce rate that the average couples. The psychologist/psychotherapist/ writer (I’m not sure about her job title) Readfield Roe, LA, Calif claims that 40 % of all American fictional writers have mental problems. Maybe this has a bearing on the high divorce rate.
Shortage of money is an abomination in a relationship, and for sure many relationships are broken just because of shortage of money. Maybe it’s no coincidence that there is a saying that ”we don’t talk about money”. Maybe it is sarcastic to say that “Without checks appeal there is no sex appeal ”or as Mae West puts it ”I rather cry in a Jaguar than in a VW” or ”Money can't buy happiness, but it makes misery easier.”
In some cultures, it is the man in the family who is responsible for the money supply and the wife is responsible for paying for the food, the rent and whatever it may be. If the supply for one reason or another is less than before, then spending must be cut. Maybe she decides to move to a smaller apartment.
If a man marries a blond, he has to accept that she isn’t the smartest person on this earth. Then he cannot tell her that she’s slightly stupid. And that holds true for all relationship. Irony, taunts, and disparaging terms are devastating for the relationship. The same holds true for foul language and vulgarities. The couple has to show respect for each other.
A friend of mine isn’t too fond of his wife. However, they both end their phone calls by ”I love you”. For sure a routine but we have to show our appreciation now and then.
Routine and habitual manners are not good for the relationship. Things must happen. Positive surprises every day spiced by humor. Don’t take the partner for granted. S/he must be won every day.
The woman has to realize that she cannot change the man. He is the way he is when he didn’t turn out the way she thinks he should have been. And men have to realize that women will not remain young and beautiful throughout their life. The man won’t change the woman he once married. She should remain the way she was. While the woman looks upon the man as an object for modification.
According to Henri Murger in ”La vie de Bohème” marriage is like wandering through the desert and infidelity are the oases. Not good advice for a relationship, which should be monoga-mous and not polygamous. You have to be innovative to make sex exciting. According to the Pope, divinity is a triangle. Many a man is willing to sign that. Maybe the partner should imagine the feel-ing if his/her partner is unfaithful. Someone claims that it is the role of the female to transfer the man from a polygamous sex maniac to a monogamous breadwinner. We may question if men and women are different when it comes to sex. Both are willing to take risks for their lust. Women claim that a man is thinking of sex every sixth second and in between it is totally blank.
To have a relationship with an alcoholic is like infidelity. For the alcoholic the alcohol is a top priority. It even takes priority over the children. On top of this the family economy is affected. Alcohol is not free of charge.
Forgiveness and tolerance are important in a relation. Or put in another way: the marriage demands many blind spots.
The man has to predict when the woman has her PMS. Then he has to stay out of her way and not let himself be provoked or to provoke her. Treat her like explosives.
A British writer claimed in a radio program that the woman wants to be slim, smart, cute and sexy, while the man wants her well-rounded, smart, cuddling and horny. The difference isn’t that big.
Love is like mumps. The later in life you get it the worse it will be. Our teens won’t agree.
Communication is important to keep the relationship going. Silence is the worst thing that can happen in a relationship. A feeling of loneliness for both of them. Regarding communication and honesty, it may be better to make the partner happy by lies than to hurt him/her by honesty.
When we buy a home, maybe when we buy a car or when we want business cooperation, we make an agreement. But not when it comes to our long-term relationships. For sure we have our marriage settlements, but they are concerning our financial settlements – not the emotional – those regarding respect, trust, attitudes, competitions, encouragements, and how to solve conflicts.
We all want to see a fresh, clean and well-looked-after partner smelling like a fragrance shop. Who sees to it that s/he is slim and well dressed.
In the same way it is with table manners. We all want a partner who knows how to behave at home as well as in the social life. At the dinner table we sit without touching the table nor the back of the chair. We don’t rest our elbows on the table. We use a napkin, which we after the meal shrivel to a little ball and put to the right. Aren’t we satisfied we fold it carefully. Are we invited we stop eating when the hostess folds her cutlery. We don’t touch the wine until the host says “cheers, glad to see you”, we don’t drink without saying cheers. I could go on but a Lady and a Gentleman know this from their childhood. The others have to read a book about how to behave.