so
quite simply
i was on the
internet early
in 1995
when i was 12
i found chatrooms
and quickly started
talking to people

and i just as quickly got tired of it
i mentioned of how
i got bullied at school
and problems at home

mostly the only
thing i heard was

*hugs*

which didnt do
anything for me

so one day
i gave up
and turned into a demon
mostly only talking dirty
to random women

then
1997-2002
i barely said
anything online
and was quiet IRL
(which id basically
been since birth)

also
2006-2011
i didnt really
talk to anyone
anywhere

as for the angel part
i dont remember the year
could have been earlier or later
but whenever it didnt go as planned
when playing online computergames
id knock my table lamp

then
when i got tired of changing it
as the lamp inside broke all the time
i figured i shouldnt be mad
i then felt an intense heat
in the middle of my chest
that was my heart chakra

come to think of it
i dont know if
it was good or bad

at that point too
since i was so sad
about everything
i could also cry on demand
dont really remember doing it
more than once
when my parents were home
but no one talked to me about it
no one wondered how i were
so i didnt bother

as for
turning
into a
hyperdemon
or angel
or divine being
"manic"
"depressive"
"manic-depressive"
as nietzsche says

"the gods have
something to
learn from us
we humans
are
after all
more humane"

with anxiety starting in 2007
again i was abandoned
i remember coming home from school
(i was improving my failed grades
at folkhögskola
so i could later go to university)
and crying at the dinner table
because i didnt know what was going on
and it never felt this bad
dad quickly went away
and mom was sitting
right next to me
looking down at the table
not saying anything
no words of encouragement
nothing
while i was crying
that time
was the first time
i cried in years
and the last time before
many following years

and i remember and
understand it
so clearly now

my dad had said that
i shouldnt spend so much
time on the computer
that id just gotten tired of it
so all i did was upload
photos to my comp
for a year

he said "max 1 hour"
but as he wasnt home
i sat 5 hours
photoshopping
80 images

the thing is
that had never
happened before
i at max
photoshopped
1 pic per day
and it wasnt
that often

so the anxiety from the neuroleptics
had turned me manic depressive
i dont think im the only one
this has happened to
i remember hearing an essay
on radio totalnormal
that many women who get
menstruation and PMS
are falsely labelled
various mental diseases
while its just how their bodies work

and my body
doesnt work together with meds
a psychiatrist one time said
i was "hyperlaxative"
which has nothing to do
with the stomache
just that i respond quickly
and strongly to stimulus

i remember how it was
when i had real
high neuroleptic dose
in the beginning

id get anxiety, until i fell asleep
maybe 8 hours or more
from a single glance
a single word

i dont get how i survived that
or managed to do anything at all

i had also self-acquired the
inverse cinderella syndrome
so i had to get home
at noon every day
or else id get anxiety

for those that havent gotten trauma
or neuroleptic based anxiety
really war veteran despair

it feels like instantly
being teleported to hell

nothing really changes
in my "reality" though as i only really
have imagination for writing words
thankfully
but it feels aweful

also
leading up to it
can be just as bad
because you do anything
to stop it
with it ending with
me only staying
in my room all day
every day
lying in bed
listening to music

anyway
the reason im writing this
come up with writing this
is because i got anxiety today
eventhough ive been
basically free from it
for 1½ month
i dont really know what changed
do i get it because im addicted to simple
potassium zinc and b-vitamin pills?
and i stopped taking them for ½ day?
seems so weird
it was weeks since i took my last
neuroleptic pill

anyway
i was gonna write more
but i dont really feel like it
my body feels weak
i can barely stand writing now
but ill try

so my dirtiness returned
some 2 decades later
and went on for several years
i wont go into it
but it was bad
and just like masturbation
i got basically nothing out of it
i now know it was because
of the plethora of high doses
of neuroleptics they forced me into
including injections
one side-effect of risperdal
is actually
"painfully long erections"
but thats only a short
version of the truth

then it got much better
for a few years
at my job
an incredible ex-gangsta woman
started working
we quickly developed
mutual liking

except
shed always treat me badly
if i wasnt fresh

so instead of only buying
junkfood and CDs
i began buying clothes
and laundering them
every day
showering and shaving
and brushing my teeth
every morning
i even started using
coconut oil
in my hair
and tiger balm
as deodorant

i had it real good
and it wasnt that difficult
especially when i had
someone who genuinely
cared for me

at one point we were even
going to get engaged
but that didnt happen

then bella entered the scene
i got fired from my job
so badly
that i cant even go
near the place

and she wanted my full attention
all the time
so every single waking hour
was spent on her

that meant i only
went out once a week
didnt work out
and shed also made me start
taking dip
drinking
and smoking

didnt really shower
or launder my
clothes much
and to this day
i dont really like
being amongst people
anywhere
nor taking long walks
because it just makes me lonely
and im tired of it

she even recommended me
buying things online
even freshly made junkfood
just so id talk to her more
on social media

that again made me even dirtier before
there was also an old blogg friend i had
who really liked my dirty stories
it had revitalized her libido

....and
i started sending those stories
to random women online
who i barely knew
it didnt end well
but i survived
pretty good anyway

and id figured
if i didnt meet
anyone IRL
id have no time
being dirty to them
but again
this just made me
even hornier online

spending hours
looking at porn
each day when
i woke up

and as for bella
we first met
and hung out
for a few hours
while i
"impressed" her

then her mother
who also happened
to work at the same place
as me
said one day
"bella has been
talking about you
to everyone
constantly
for 2 weeks"
so she helped me add
2 of her accounts on facebook

and the rest is history
or rather
legend
i wrote hundreds
of poems to her
about her
about us
some 15 albums
and not that
many photoshops

she was the best thing
and worst thing
in some ways
that had happened to me
but she was still more good
than bad

i remember waking up
thinking
"damn, im so happy!"

it was the time of my life
and for hers as well

and i realized
i didnt mind
all those women
i had denied
or had denied me
so i wouldnt
have gotten
a long term
relationship
with them
or even more
as some wanted
to marry me

she was a reiki healer
and now im
healthy enough
that i want that
crystal healing
which could cure me
from all aches and worries
again
which i said no to
with her

as for my parents
they have never
really talked to me
seriously
or about anything
in my emotional life

the same mirrors with women
i only impress them
then they just leave me
or they want me to kiss them
or standing naked in front of me
and i just chicken out
dismiss them
they never really teach me much
about life
which can be so confusing

and as for the psychiatric system
its the same there as well
we never really discuss anything
they either flirt or are mean
or both

and as for my fame and fortune?
i have none
maybe its because i change
platforms i post my
art music and poetry on
or that i change my name all the time

but i dont think so
my mom has had the same problems
getting her art out into the world
people appreciating it
buying her things

although ive met 2 people lately
who said they would
make me get the
appreciation i deserve

but obviously
i quickly lost them

but also 2 other new women
who said they would visit me
i hope it happens
i dont feel lonely
or bored
or have much anxiety anymore
but i could still
demand more of life

also
miss economy will finally
get me a contact person
which will be the same
as many years ago
once a week
meet for several hours
it will be good for me

as for the dirtiness
a large reason for it
is being dirty
either having dirty clothes
or dirty body

and now...
i get to shower once a week
and poop and pee myself
so i cant be very clean
and thats where the
current dirtymindness comes from

its also from risperdal
eventhough i barely take it
after id puked for 3 days
and didnt take any pills for
a whole week
i eventually got really angry
then
zing
a nurse tricked me into taking
just 1 pill
and i got horny directly

neuroleptics mess with your
mind and body
so much

ive also noticed
that i need lots of nutrients
as without strange pills
that mess with me
my body detoriates
strangely enough
so ive been hurting
in my gums teeth
and eyes

even having to take
supplements
but i can of course
not take too many
since then
ill also get ill effects

so i lose no matter
how i do it...

still
i feel the best ever
in some ways
and some ways not
but much more good ways