I was taking a stroll
in the garden
at the end of the universe,
and I stumbled upon this man
who was reclining on a bench,
quite comfortably so.
He heard me coming,
so he looked up and said:
“How can I help you, son?”
I was spinning my fingers
gently in the air
when I met his eyes.

– Well, I think I need to see a psychologist.
– Oh boy, you've come to the right place then, because I happen to be one.

– Really?
– Yeah, I'm self-taught, but...

– What do you mean you're self-taught? That's ridiculous.
– Hey kiddo, is this your first time here, or what?

– Yeah, why?
– Well, I just figured, since you find such a trivial thing strange, but meanwhile we're out here having a good time in outer space.

– Okay, you know what, I guess you have a point.
– I always do, kiddo.

– I'm still trying to figure out what's going on here.
– So, you're not part of the movie?

– Oh, this is all a movie set?
– Yeah, they booked the entire galaxy for filming Star Wars episode whatever. I myself, I'm the guy at the end of the movie.

– You know what, all of this makes a lot more sense now.
– How so, if I may ask?

– Well, I had a strange encounter this morning. Of the third kind, if you know what I mean.
– I know what you mean, son. I watched a lot of X-Files in the 90s, don't worry about it.

– It's a great show.
– Yeah, I can dig it. It's just a bummer that so many episodes have those weird monsters in them, when all you want is to see the aliens. Not that you see much of them in the other episodes, but you know what I mean.

– I don't know about that, I'm just glad I don't have to see a doctor.
– Oh, don't be too sure about that, I bet there's something wrong with you. How do you sleep, for example?

– In all honesty, I don't sleep much these days.
– And why's that, are you a party animal?

– No, nothing like that. I've been kept up by external forces.
– What kind of forces are we talking about?

– Well, last night it was a coyote.
– What?

– Yeah, I was hunting him down with one of those tridents over there. He was a quick little fella, he almost got away. And then he did.
– So you stayed up all night, for that?

– That's right, yeah, and when I got home, the sun was already up, like it is in the summertime, especially in these binary systems with two stars running around up there. And so, I thought, why not spice things up and take a French breakfast, for once?
– Wait, what's a French breakfast?

– Just a cigarette and a cup of coffee!
– Okay, yeah, that one!

– Have you tried it?
– No, but I've heard it's good for the artistic mind.

– It kinda is, but, truth be told...
– Yeah, give me the truth, you mad lad!

– I write at my best when I'm sweeping a sloppy burger off its feet, I'll tell you that.
– Oh, so you're actually an author then?

– I wouldn't say I'm an author... I'm...
– What the hell are you, then?

– I'm more of a collector of esoteric knowledge.
– But, you write?

– If I write? Yeah, I write sometimes. Hell, I'm writing this. But, you know, writing is just one of many outlets.
– What are the others then, are you a singer?

– No, no, I'm more of a... I'm more of a primal screamer. I do these occasional shrieks of agony just straight into the void.
– Into the void?

– Yeah man, just letting it all out there.
– Does it help?

– Yep. It's for those sensations that can't really be expressed in coherence, but they still exist, you know?
– Of course, they do.

– That's what I'm saying, dude.
– Don't “Dude” me, I'm at least ten times your age.

– You're not a dude? Then what are you, a dawg?
– What in the world is a dawg?

– Someone with, you know, that little extra, who's got that dawg in them.
– Like eating dog food?

– No, like... You know what, forget about it, you're too old to get it anyway.
– You think I'm an old fuck, don't you? You look like shit yourself, you know that, right?

– What kind of psychologist would ever talk like that?
– Ahhhhh, you've never seen a shrink, have you?

– I haven't, no.
– I'm really cheap, you know.

– Yeah, I bet you are. It's funny...
– What is?

– Did you see the ad over there at the freeway, the one from Amazon?
– No, what did it say?

– It said something along the lines of, “The reason our prime week volunteers don't get paid is not because they're worthless, it's because they're priceless.”
– Yeah, that's why I'm cheap, I'm almost priceless. I take five dollars an hour, and then we call it a day.

– You should start saying that.
– I think I just did, but you're right, let me write it down, real quick... Do you have a pen?

– Yeah, I do... Here...
– Mhm...

– So you really think I should see a shrink, huh?
– Well, given that I'm just a projection of you talking to yourself, yes. A thousand times, yes.

– Hold on a minute, those mind tricks don't work on me, you should know that.
– What do you mean?

– I know we're on a moon right now, but I don't think that makes me a lunatic.
– Did you come up with that on the fly?

– No, I stole it from someone at the planetary society. But you're probably not all perfect yourself, are you?
– That's right.

– So what's your thing? You sleeping in your talk?
– My story is quite different, you see.

– Different, how?
– Well, I have this tendency of falling out of love with the first woman I see.

– Is that a bad thing? Sounds great to me.
– It can be bad... I mean, it gets lonely out here sometimes.

– So, you live out here?
– Of course I do, I'm the gardener.

– Wait, you almost stole my line from that movie!
– Kiddo, I've been saying this shit for the past millennia or two, don't even get me started.

– A thousand years? That's unheard of!
– It's not unheard of, but it is unsaid.

– Damn you, man.
– I mean, I guess.

– Do you mind passing the cigarette?
– Yeah, sure.

– How the hell did you land that kind of tenured position, anyway?
– Oh, this is just a part time thing I have, my main job is spinning advertisement signs in the intersection over there.

– That's fun and all, but you didn't answer my question, dawg.
– Well, the “dawg” thinks that some things are best not knowing.

– What do you mean?
– I mean that I have to go now.

– Wait, where to?
– We're filming the last scenes where they're blowing up the star of death, or whatever it's called, it'll be gone soon anyway.

– Did you just spoil the ending?
– I wouldn't call it an ending, it's more of a new beginning, a new hope, if you will.

– Aha...?
– Yeah, I guess that's it.

– Fine.
– Well, good talk, kiddo.

– See you around, dawg!
– You know it.

There he goes…
Oh, look, he stumbles.
That's funny.
Holy shit, he stumbled for real.
Is he gonna get up?
Should I help him?
Okay, there you go, good!
Now, move along, old man.
Just move along.
Ah, he's looking back.
I should probably wave.
Okay! Yeah, hi there!
Ha, the bench is free now,
this is your loss!

Okay, so, where was I?
The movie, yeah.
You can catch it tonight
on Disney Plus.
No, they're not paying me,
I'm not sponsored or anything.
But if you see it,
I'm the guy who says,
“Of course I know him, he's me.”

I didn't even know
they were shooting a movie,
I thought we were just hanging out,
saving the galaxy, or whatever.
And you better believe
that I made out
with Leia backstage,
because I was convinced
she was a princess,
and I was kinda into
that whole thing.

Anyway,
I'm getting too personal now,
I think the pills are starting to kick in.
I should probably just close my eyes
and let the wind drift
my thoughts away for a while.
That's how we do it
in the garden
at the end of the universe.
A dream in a dream,
fancy that?