What do you mean a two year long vacation?
illogical and irrational preventions started to feel like their opposites,
Pluck me up from my roots and throw me into the unknown,
at least the two of you were excited,
you didn’t listen to my cries as I was writing hate letters to myself,
laying them where everyone could see,
trying to make the matter acknowledged, I knew you chose not to act,
weak, powerless, just a child
two adventurous souls wanting to live out their youth’s desires,
oceans away from the places i had ever seen before,
but how could you have known.

you didn’t tell me about cultural shock,
maybe you were experiencing it yourself,
why didn’t you tell me?
that was your first time too!

do you know i was bawling my eyes of every single class?
as my teachers were hovering over me, speaking in languages I didn’t understand,
were you trying to comfort me?
I couldn’t even tell.
are you taking me outside because they were laughing or are they laughing because you took me outside?

your uniform isn’t according to the dress code,
only boys are allowed closed shoes,
but I can’t play football in a pair of flats?
and the tie is making it hard to breathe already but you say it’s too loose,
”pick up this pen for me” you said,
“the skirt we forced you to wear is too short” that was all I heard.
Unnatural appearance modification aren’t allowed either,
but I promise you I didn’t cut it myself, it’s a scar

What do you mean I can’t sit with you?
How could you not have heard me as i was standing right next to you?
Did I say something wrong?
- No it was just the accent you said it with.
Why are you talking badly about me right to my face?
I haven’t spoken a word since i got here,
but you were laughing as I was trying to make myself understood for the first time,
visible yet completely ignored
how could any of this be considered normal nevertheless acceptable?

but eventually I fell into your traps,
the loneliness had teared me apart, changed myself to fit into the norms,
just one friend would have been enough,
but I learnt your ways and out mastered all of you,
you hadn’t met mean.
I was given all the friendly enemies i neither wanted or needed,
scheming and plotting my downfall as I was plotting theirs,
I started thriving with my cruel intentions and actions,
A third year didn’t feel so bad when I got to rule.
Survival of the fittest,
Survival of the meanest.
the knife you were marking yourself with started tempting me as well,
I carved my name into my skin,
And what do you mean i am never at home anymore? this was never my home to begin with

Time is up
How dare you take me back to where it all once begun, I just started to feel comfortable in the misery.
This wasn’t the home i had been romanticising, nothing is the same and i don’t know these anymore,
I’ve evolved into a different specie,

Could you repeat that please?
What do you mean my behaviour won’t be tolerated here?
it’s the only language i know
and what did you call it?
Bullying

did you notice this time?
the little girl had died in front of your own eyes.
a decade later my biggest fear is still that you will see how small I feel,
that you might look at me and see that i am still just weak and powerless

poor you.
you had experienced the same thing yourself but forgot it ever happened.
I can’t hold you responsible, you are still this way,
I wish you had learnt the same lesson,
at the core we were so alike
both just as frightened and misunderstood
simple things, both in equal need of a true friend;
I pray you will find him too