Taking some long-distance excursions in my memory today. (Which is not unusual for me.) Seeing my old choices leading away from a superficially successful life with subconscious chess moves. I grieve myself to try to sense any regrets...

Have died too many times. Lived hidden in unwritten heartless thoughts. Made false payments to the account of hopeless hopelessness. Had so much fun. Fun without limit. Gladness with sugar on it. Been so cynical and truthful that I have constantly been misunderstood and rejected by everything I have rejected. But listen carefully now; a short moment in clarity and reality is worth far more than all the "lives" stuck in illusions and almost complete ignorance. So, I have won over Life and can afford to die smiling. Again.



*



Remembering my early childhood conscious choices of different opinions, attractions, interests, wishes, career choices and other small behaviors. The choice between being left or right-handed. What was right or wrong to feel and consider. What was attractive or ugly. The highest status for us in the weak economic "middle class" was to be able to behave and adapt to our surroundings... Everything happened according to the influence of others from our inherited and imagined desires with a belief in what was right and wrong. The inner dialogue until a conclusion was made with reasoning and making decisions and then the mind was locked in an often ridiculous idea. The building blocks of how one's opinions came about were then immediately hidden in a dark corner of the memory that one lacked access to. One just thought and believed something. I also remember how other crucial life choices were made later in life and it was the same procedure. I remember that an older acquaintance gave me an explanation of "what life was like". He made the claim that producing ourselves was the only thing that could provide added value because we are either producers with the opportunity to create greater added value with profits and fame, or we become only unknown and tragic passive consumers whose only goal is stability and security without taking risks.



*



There is still a pent-up need to express myself with words, partly stemming from an earlier stage in life where my intended authorship was thrown away for other goals. Now, like a vacation from Reality, I am looking for a kind of return with a spiritual recovery; to turn a previous failure into a zeroed profit in the present. Riding back towards old adventures with a pen in my hand. It is new and unknown, but familiar...