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Sometime you have to go badly english and just explode on a page...

It\'s not all fun and games, you know?
Sometimes it\'s just life, just life...
You see, you\'ve got to be breathing when the time comes.

To persevere \'til the day of days finally arrive.

Yes, you\'ve got to feel everything \'til you finally just feel one thing.

And no, I\'m not talking about some kind of day of reckoning or death in any way. No. What enters my mind these days are but two things, stupidity and love.

Guess what I\'m expecting to arrive later, much later.

You see...
First there was but love.
Then there were those tiny grains of lose sand.
The world wasn\'t exactly built by love but it\'s saturating everything.

Don\'t make a fuss tho\', it\'s easily scared.

This is my deep, dark secret delusion.

You see, in a manner I am hopeful.
But I know myself pretty well, I\'m not going to let it in \'til I\'m sure there\'s nothing about me that could a danger for anyone else... which is a really lousy way of saying \"good god, it scares the living hell out of me\".

I used to believe that life was somewhat of a waste on me, on some level I think I still do. But I also know I\'m deeply buried in a process of change. Everyone are. \'cept those few who got it from the get-go. I\'m not one of them and I somewhat think they\'re missing out.

I remember love as it felt as a teenager. I expected so much out of it. Everything was supposed to be so perfect... I wasn\'t that bright, couldn\'t really muster up enough to actually embrace the situation... For fear, again and always.

I think I turned myself afraid of life and what I thought was good, honest and true. Strenght scared me. The strongest people I\'ve ever met was women, I grew up with them. My first years in school, we were in a troubled-class. In a way it was beautiful. A total turnaround from the stereotypes. Strong women have been around all my life. I\'ll tell you about them sometime.

But yes, I know I\'m afraid. Of women, to a degree.
I don\'t know if it makes sense but it\'s almost like it\'s something that started out as respect and grew. Combine that with a twisted sense of love and a truly idolised sense of reality.

I live of my emotions. But they always explode in me.
Every tiny detail grow into some kind of doomsday-thing.
Every set-back is a tragedy and every loss is death in the moment.
What is ironic is that I never remember anything. Guess it\'s a way for my sanity to keep itself intact.
Repression and regression is a bad way to spend fourteen years...

In my mind I know that what I do is sometimes stupid, always strange and from time-to-time, terrible. I know this.
But my mind live by my hearts rule. And no, I don\'t think I would have it any other way.

/




Fri vers av Jonny Larsen
Läst 80 gånger
Publicerad 2007-12-03 13:27



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Jonny Larsen
Jonny Larsen