The fact that I’m busy self-loathing
About something as trivial as L-O-V-E (in it's traditional meaning)
When there are real problems in the world
Makes me want to give myself a big fat beating
As I am counting the few ways to bliss
That do not include ignorance or complacence
And permit over-analysis
Anyways in our conformative, capitalist, heteronormative world
Failure
Is
More
Beautiful
Than
Success
I fail to be ashamed to tell all
I am not embarrased that I fall
By sharing both my strengths and weaknesses
My triumphs and my defeats
I make sure nobody will ever envy me.
I HAVE NO SHAME.
------------------------------
Poisoned by radiation and saved by Hiroshima ash

A fucked up grrrl
A Sheela-Na-Gig
A flamboyant feminist faggot
A radical queer anarchist activist artist
And an angry anti-lookist to boot
Boot in the face
Boot in the face
Love - The fascists boot in the face
Awful Evol
Love and romance
You blend so well with hate and obsession
A private hell around an elusive wishing well
Brutally bent backwards
Love always so Evol

The key to my bitterness lies in my brief history
My name is Alexander Alvina
The hottest mess you’ve ever seen
Always creating a scene
I am 24
Not a long time to be alive
But there is not a trace of innocence in my face, my eyes
Have seen boys come and go
Those who have loved me have found the door bolted and shut
And the few who I have loved have shown little interest in opening the door
My history is that of an excquisite whore
Ten different people in bathroom stalls in bars.
My past lovers are more known by number than by name
Thirty.
One of which I've fucked three times
Twenty-nine of which I’ve fucked only once
Put back on my clothes and run
Twenty-nine one night stands
Turned to one time too many
Same shit
Different dick
And I feel nothing
For somebody who makes me feel nothing
And I learn nothing
From fucking somebody I speak to about nothing
I did not cum to cuddle
I did not cum for pleasure
I came to be validated as a hottie.
And I am done
With the fuck and runs

I want to swallow the cum of someone I love
Or atleast know, respect and like…
It would be something new
Something I’ve never done before
I will not give another blowjob that feels like a chore
But I am too stubborn to let having lovers be a priority
Love you will not be my guiding light
Nor my shooting star
Nor my beating heart
My streak of aloneness
Quite an accomplishment
I - independent and cocky
Do not live or die by anyone being around
And I will never breed
But at the same time
I do not wish for freedom
To equal aloneness
What once was slutiness
Is now replaced by a barren wasteland of nothingness
I used to blame all this fucked-upness on having been raped
But than one day I understood
Sweetie you were even more fucked-up before
And at least now you don’t fuck around left and right with people you have no interest in touching or talking to the morning after…

Sheela-na-gig
Taking conflicts regardless of the consequences
Not knowing when to hold back or how to let go
Not knowing when to speak and when to shut up (The people who know the correct way to do things such as hold a teacup, table manners, being dignified are the people responsible for the most misery).
I refuse to take the wrong compliment ”the right way”
If the first thing you say to me is ”You look hot”.
Impressed? I think not…
When I finally get interested I’m in way too much
Just like a cat in heat
But my high standards are almost impossible to meet
Politics, creativity and intensity are the only things keeping me from feeling empty
I will not be smarter than my partner(s) (and that leaves out 98 boys out of 100)
I will not lead
And I certainly will not be lead.
So: Not you
Nor him
Nor him
Nor him
Nor him

But when my integrity walls finally come tumbling down
The piano falls from the top of your sky-scraping turning torso
And I am always found in the wrong place at the wrong time
You hurt me
Like human-kind hurts the earth
Destruction?
How to destroy when there is nothing there but a castle built of air?
My self is dissolving in this wretched supposed proposed palace of paradise
Of piedestals and daydreams of perfect sex and grand affairs
Where the reality is screaming my lungs out alone all day in the spacious ballroom
Through hating and loving
And lucking at nothing
I want out
I never said I’d stay
Like the stray cat
I guess I never do
But where will the rootless ones run?
At the moments they want to go home.
(To themselves - To themselves - To themselves?)

I fall for someone
In a split instant of connection
On political purposefullness beyond pointlessness
A sentence that stops me like a brick wall
And a make-out session
That hits me like a fist
But the pieces never assemble
Yet they still manage to fall apart
Once again I start singing the familiar tune
”It’s over before it ever got started”
I know this place very well, my black-hearted
Once again I am standing there showing off my feathers
Apparently though you do not like the weather.
You be ware as I sparkle and scare
My fiery heat burns you
And my bright light nearly blinds you
Yet still you can see that my feathers are of the wrong color
And the black swans black feathers are seeping deep like darts into my heart
Not yours
I implode than explode
Explode than implode
Once again poisoned by radiation
And saved by Hiroshima ash

How can I have the nerve to call myself strong and independent
When I break everytime someone inserts themself
Between myself and myself
When love and it's passions
And nothing else
Could be the death of me.
Do not dare to call me co-dependent
You have never overdosed on INDEPENDENCE like me.
That word is not even enough to contain my sleep alone, live alone, walk alone.
The marriage between emotionally sensitive and fierce independence was always going to be a tough one.

"I never said, 'I want to be alone. I only said, I want to be let alone. There is a world of difference'" - Greta Garbo.