APHORISMS



Without checks appeal there is no sex appeal.

Money is an efficient match-maker.

The best things in life are free. Free trade, free horizons and happy hours.

In God we trust. All others pay cash.
Hilton.

Money is like the sixth sense. Without it you cannot make a complete use of the other five.
W Somerset Maugham

Never invest in anything that eats or needs repair.
Billy Rose

Pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous. He will not bite you. This is the difference between man and dog.
Mark Twain

There is no such thing as a free lunch.
Milton Friedman

It takes twenty years to make an overnite success
Eddie Cantor

Where large sums of money are concerned, it is advisable to trust nobody.
Agatha Christie

Money can't buy happiness, but it makes misery easier.

Cruckie of the year

Never trust a country which murdered more than fifty-five million people.

Second to nun

Spectacles, testicles, valet and watch.
The sign of the cross.

When the going gets tough, the tough got to get going.

The two worst days of the week are yesterday and tomorrow.

I believe that if anything is worth doing it had been done already

No guts, no glory

A Woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

The best thing in life is a Swedish house on the French Riviera, Italian fashion, Caribbean food, a Chinese chef, an American salary, a Swiss bank account and a Japanese wife.
The worst thing in life is a Japanese house, British fashion, a Chinese salary, an American wife and a German chef.

Barefooted to shoe off

No business like shoe business

Sometimes the body feels alone.

Money talks, talking walks.

Even if you win the rat race you are still a rat

Trivia is knowledge that cannot make money

Penis from heaven

Money is the best of aphrodisiacs

Foo-Ling-You

World is a funny place
The Tallahassees

Security is propensity to change

She was wining and cleaning, shopping and fucking

We didn't do much talking anyway

Para-site

Trust No 1

The past is history.
The present is gift.
The future is mystery.

My pessimism matured

The only thing I collect without too much of involvement is dust

How can I change the world when I can't define my own world?

Money is the best of aphrodisiacs

Either the wallpaper goes or I go

Research causes cancer in rats

Your birth certificate has expired

Married and in for life

Bad things do not happen to good people

Life is a sexually transferred disease with a 100% death rate

If a man stays stiff for longer than two minutes he is dead

You turn my software to hardware

Winners never quit and quitters never win

Development engineers talk about football. Middle management talk about tennis. Top management talk about golf. The higher up the smaller the balls.

wise man and wise woman is romance
wise man and dumb woman is affair
dumb man and wise woman is divorce
dumb man and dumb woman is marriage

Smile! It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

The early bird gets the worm and the second rat gets the cheese.

The sixth sense - the sense of humour

Conditions permitting life could be living hell

A mushroom is a room with no floor, no walls and no ceiling.

Desert hikes' need a thirst-aid-kit

The chess player relaxed and took a knight off

Boys like whore games

The problem is not my attitude. It is your perception.

Hurricanes are named after women because they come wild and
wet and go with both your house and your car.

He is not just the gardener. He is the Plant Manager

Youi get all the exercise need by jumping to conclusions

A writer is a person who is usually write

Tell a man that his fly is open: You have got Windows on your Laptop

He offered her a leg spreader

She preferred to masturbate because she wanted to have sex with someone she really liked.

What was so civil about the Civil War?

A big mother could be referred to as maximum

By definition a Jew could not be a gentle-man

A document is repeating what the doc told you, but in your own words

Fight for peace. Fuck for virginity.

Interesting is a word to describe a person who let you do all the talking

Nymphomaniacs are women who want to have more sex than you can deliver

When you lose, don't lose the lesson

We are looking for a meaningful overnite relationship.

The world is divided in men, who like to be sucked and the dead ones.

We still look for the most efficient leg spreading drink.

There is a difference between history and herstory.

She sat on her watch to be on time

More Murphy's:

If anything can go wrong, it will

Things get worse before they go worser

Everything costs more and takes longer

Flaws travel in groups

When going gets tough, everybody leaves

Never accept a drink from an urologist

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster

You always find what you are looking for in the last place you look

Nothing is impossible for a man who doesn't have to do it himself

Them that has, gets

You cannot fall off the floor

The first myth of management is that it exists


A Cowboy's Guide to Life:

You spot the biggest liar in the mirror watching you while shaving.

Tellin' a man to go to hell and makin' him go to hell is a hell of a difference

Never bother if things can be solved through explosives.

Don't interfere with a thing that ain't bothering you none

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop diggin

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut

Good judgement comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgement

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

Generally speakin' niteshirts are waste of time

Learn from the nail: let the head stop you from going too far

Lettin the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin it in.

It's a small world. You have to use your elbows a lot.

You are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

If you havn't lot of eduction you have to use your brain.

Never take a beer to a job interview

Never get overly excited about a woman by just bottomspotting

Lifestock, is a poor wedding gift

Dim your highlites for approaching vehicles even if the rifle is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the larges vehicle always have the right of way.

Today's opportunities erase yesterday's failures

If love is blind why use lingerie

If reincarnated you have two belly-buttons

Does the Little Mermaid wear alge-bra?

When consulting Abraham Lincoln, Bill got the advice to take the day off and go to the theatre.

Happy smily :-)
Sad smily :-(
Naughty smily :->
Monica smily :-o

I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word of only she'd get to it

Marriage is the only war where you sleep with your enemy.

The only way of having an intelligent dinner conversation is to eat alone

I'm so broke I cannot even pay attention

She is not a bitch. She is the bitch

Rigor Morris

Haste Cuisine

We seal our fate by the choices we make
Gloria Estefan

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second
wife to his success
Jim Backus

You know that love is a matter of chemistry when you are
treated like toxic waste

If love is chemistry there are agents that cannot be mixed

As the man that stole my wife did not keep her took the revenge away

She is such a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Merry her before she finds one.
Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx about his girlfriend

No matter how thin you slice it there are always two sides

Alcohol contains small traces of female hormones. When men drink it they become emotional, they start talking excessively without making sense and they can't drive.

I have not been starving since I fondue

The LA smog test: Can UCLA

The worst of prisons is a closed heart

The speed of the leader determines the rate of the pack

We live under same sky but we do not share the same horizons

Golfers are always wearing two pants in case they get hole in one

She has just a period, not a full stop

Don't regret growing old. Many are denied the privilege.

Wisdom is to know when speaking your mind and when minding your speak

The bank credits you 86 400 sec every day. It allows no overdrafts, it does not carry over your balance unless you invest it. The clock is running.

Fat in 40 days

His pointless point of view

With fist in the air and head in the sand

It's not what you have in life, it’s whom you have

Any quitter can quit smoking, but only a special one face cancer

She is twice the girl she used to be

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

Despite the cost of living, it still remains popular

Money cannot buy love but it put you in a good bargaining situation

Bigami is having one wife too many and so is monogamy

A denoted musician and a devoted politician

Power = Work/Time
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Money = Work/ Knowledge

i e the less you know the more you make,

Substitutes: A dog that growls every morning, a parrot that talks every afternoon, a cat that comes home late at nite.

War determines who is right and who is left

Married people do not live longer. It just feels like it.

Why do we make research when looking for something new?

Light travels faster than sound and this is the reason why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink until she is cute, but stop before the proposal

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

Support your right to bare arms, wear short sleeves

Life is like a photography. You develop from the negative.

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

He is a few clowns short of a circus

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?

Isn't it a scary that doctors refer to that they do as “practice”?

Love and take the risk living together

Some art installations show that ordinary is extraordinary

Yong people admire smart people, old people admire kind people

Deja Moo is the feeling you have heard this bull before

If everybody hated you, you would be paranoid too.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research

The man who runs in front of a truck gets tired and the one who runs behind it get exhausted.

Regardless of the facts

The music and singing in church are very nice, but the commercials are too long

Don't walk behind me, because I will not lead.
Don't walk ahead of me, because I will not follow.
Don't walk beside me, because I will not keep company.

A new wonderful tomorrow or a new terrible tomorrow

It takes many nails to build a crab, but only one screw to fill it.

American beer and making love in a canoe are both fucking close to water

All of me in the hole of you

She does not nag. She is verbally repetitive

She does not have a moustache. She is in touch with her masculine side

How is the lay?
Take yourself in the fire
Do you shark?

Big butt and bright brain

The mid-age spread

The Guy in the sky

I have an Internet connection and a pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

The jet set is high flying

Not the brightest pen in the box nor the sharpest knife in the drawer

See no evil, speak no evil, date no evil

Management by walking around and management by fooling around

Get those small nails in right and you will build a castle. Get them in wrong and you will get a rubble.

Teachers never die, they just lose their class

Doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

Journalists never die, they just get de-pressed

Photographers never die, they just stop developing

Cashiers never die, they just check out

How is a marriage like a hot bath? Once you get used to it’s not so hot.

Most people deserve each other

MURPHY's:

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence

All great discoveries are made by mistake

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget

New systems generate new problems


Man who drives like hell is bound to get there

We are the most Yankeenized people in the world. No 2 are the Yankees.

A walking disability

Mistress is a juxtaposition of miss and mattress

The mistress was bribed by marriage

Bumble bees cannot fly. The earth repels them

Every take-off is optional. Every landing is mandatory

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival of the aircraft.

If I could rewrite the alphabet U and I would be together

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

No one listens until you make a mistake

Play egg-head and you might end up as an omelette

She started jogging five miles a day and now I don't know where she is

I'm in shape. Round is a shape

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

If you cannot be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Until the lion learn to write the hunter will be the hero

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons ill designed for the purpose.
Winston Churchill

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like pimps.

'Hold my purse.' Are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere.

The part that wags the man

You are really burnt out when your weight is 3 kg including the urn

A cig is a thing with fire in one end and a fool in the other

Dance like no one is watching, love like you’ve never been hurt, and work like you don’t need to.

Above the clouds the sky is blue. Behind the blue the darkness is eternal.

Long time, no sea

The true golfer has no need for a religion. He’s through hell as well as heaven when playing.


# is called an octothorpe

The dot over i is called a tittle

The full name of LA is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
los Angelses de Porciuncula

KGB stands for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bexopasnosti

The word “testify” originates from men in the Roman court swearing on their testicles.

The word “Checkmate” originates from the Persian phrase “Shah
Mat”, which means “the king is dead”

Do you know Fritz what I consider being the best of Continental Europe?
- Nein
- The Tunnel

You won in football, Fritz, but we beat you in your favourite sport.
- Welchen Sport sollte dass sein?
- War

q b s p, Quien Besa Su Pie

I'm Mr. Right, you were looking for me

nikko, nikko rikko divorce with a smile

An egocentric person is a dreadful person who loves himself more then me.

Everyone makes mistakes - the trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

"Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

“As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death."

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh.

Bible - Basic Information Before Leaving Earth

Passion has a price
Passion has a prize.

In-laws and Out-laws

Sex is like a dinner
The first course is the appetizer
Then the main course
And then the dessert
And finally the washing


Democracy and democrazy

A big cock in a small chick

What a terrible prose if it hadn’t been for the changing to new lines by random

Practice courtesy. You never know when it might become popular again.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

Night falls and day breaks.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I spent half of my money on booze, women and gambling. The rest I wasted.

Leggings are God’s gift to Mankind

In the end you won’t remember the time you spent working. You better start climbing that mountain.

Life without a wife is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point.

A place you cannot find unless you get lost

"The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work." (Robert Frost)

"The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse." (Dennis Miller)

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" (Edgar Bergen)

"Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never know when you're finished." (Leslie Nielsen)

"The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job." (Slappy White)

"I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y.'" (Robert Paul)

"A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error." (Dennis Miller)

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

Finding love is like most hunting, it is about Trophies

If we are put on this earth to help others, what on earth are the others here for?

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Without geometry, life is pointless.