I want to thank you

I want to thank you, you see
But there's no need to thank me
Because if I'm who I perceive myself to be then on the top of the list of my defining characteristics it would say "selfish"

Though I know that's not necessarily the truth

But I still want to thank you
Because there are some things that I do know to be true, however few, and one of them is that I would be nothing without you

I'm so reliant on others
Whether it's my mother who helps me shop for groceries or whether it's an old long-distance lover, there's a grocery list of people to whom I owe my existence
And for better or worse even those who have hurt me were still part of my journey to who I am today
And you can say what you want to say about that person but even my uncertain mind knows that at least I'm persistent

Why else would I still be here?

Is it my hatred that drives me to find something that can define me other than my, let's just say "less-than-stable" mind that to this day still finds ways to tie me to my bed?
Or maybe it's my paralyzing fear of rejection or my thousand imperfections or my refusal to socialise, masquerading as some form of protection, that has kept me in this sinkhole that I call my depression for so long that it's become my obsession

Why else would I still be here?

See, even though I'm still here and find that fact amazing, I'm also still here in my mind, just as lazy and self-hating as I've always been
Chasing the years of the childhood that escaped me, it's crazy to think that even now I'm hazing myself for no other reason than "I deserve it" so I suppose I'll have to learn to just take it

Because I made this

After all, I'm the one responsible for all of this
I don't recall when I started blaming others for my issues, whether big or small
But every rise, every fall, every fight that I've fought, every drunken bar brawl in my mind turned full-scale war has now taken the form of a ghost that haunts my reflection so I no longer see myself

So I stare at the space where I know I should be, trying to see the "me" that you see, the "me" that you said I will always be and have always been
And the mirror may not show anything right now, but if I look a little closer and stare a little longer, in a year or three maybe, finally

I can believe in
I can see
And I can be

Me