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what if you had forever?ive been feeling that again thought about it some months ago its been almost a year since i cant move my legs anymore and sometimes... i just feel stuck in limbo like what should i do today? i usually dont think that in the beginning of the day though i always wake up in good mood and no matter what they say im not addicted to dip so i have it easy too easy took hempseed oil for a week and decided to quit it now its almost better than ever have no anxiety at all if i do get it it heals quickly the only problem is im getting more and more tired for each passing day am i dying? and what should i do with my days? since i have the internet and not much else a mom that visits me i have 2 other older friends but i havent called them since last year i did feel like a vampire before or a mummy or a zombie but now its worse i cant just go for a walk anymore and walk away my worries i did stop with that when i met bella so ive been pretty stationary since 2019 i started with dip then and also smoking thats a horrible habit... dip though if i dont feel like it i dont get any withdrawal symptoms the problem though is something else without dip it turns to like before everyone is mean to me not everyone not all the time but a lot people are mean to me at this housing but thats usually when i have anxiety and with that gone out of the window it should be better but no im tired... i have only 1 mg neuroleptic risperdal so thats good no injection that makes you smell like a corpse... i think its too clean here though dust used to inspire me anxiety doesnt inspire me much dip makes me zeroed i guess i take too much so i feel next to nothing think next to nothing not much inspired except this text now secret! i watched porn for an hour or two it was really degenerate but i regained stamina that way... anyway i guess i feel better than most people would in my position... i meet mostly the same people here theres no nurse shortage thats a myth its only a couple of people... im mostly calm and get happy easily but mostly calm i cant get a boner anymore so watching porn is real odd... it does fulfill some sort of desire and ive wanted to tell a woman who works here that i love her but i didnt dare... so i can still feel love but sorta not before i jumped i took 1½ dip pucks per day then it increased to 3 for a long while and now im down to 2 or less anyway what should i spend my days with? playing computergames...? how dumb... social media is even more stupid no one is deep... cant connect to anyone an italian woman who was a noise musician fancied me on facebook some months ago and it was almost automagic she could read your mind and all that and fell in love with me had wild dreams about lovers but didnt realize it was me and then i said something bad which wasnt really that bad though what she linked meant a lot to her i didnt like it... so then she was gone i read about manic depression which i bragged about having which i dont really anymore it was mostly the neuroleptics that caused it i used to create much less art before its the anxiety that causes it acute anxiety which hempseed oil is especially good at treating so try that if you havent anyway i started my journey with immortal techniques music then i found bitchute and now substack long posts and long comments just what i like i still like bitchute though and have found a site that converts any video or audio into text thats another thing all of a sudden about a month ago? i got insta-bored of playing runescape and figured i should watch a gaming video on youtube it worked! before i got anxiety within minutes so i watched and watched... for several days and... i got tired and anxious now im just tired without being anxious thanks to the hemp anyway i cant really expand my mind anymore ive heard it all not like it was in my teens when a single quote would be like the greatest experience since i quit hemp im not bored anymore just really really tired but hope i can heal that too i could go on massage but seems to only be 1 single which comes to visit you and massages where i live and they might not know what i need anyway i am still my old self though i talk a little slower i looked just at my webcam and i look like a sad puppy how bella said i always looked... i dont love her anymore i barely think of her and it stopped at la belle epoque part 3 part 4 is only a few poems ive stopped producing music ive stopped photoshopping and stopped with poetry since a month back when the great psychiatrist i had (that im meeting soon again) reduced my meds and thus reduced my creativity to near zero i think its also got to do with that its too clean here dust inspires me its ectoplasm ghosts but im not afraid of the dark anymore maybe you need to be that to be creative id say so... miss mom brought over a freeweave and hung it up unfortunately it made my legs spasm so i cant handle dust anymore... but did inspire me to write this text so nothing good out of anything... bad? anyway my dreams have improved since i game so much its usually computergame inspired ones and they are amazing i used to tell myself months back that even if today sucked i would still be able to rest sleep and dream when the day came to an end... anyway i do like reading about political subjects even if a lot of it is insults or even murder threats to peoples in power... anyway not much more inspiration now tired too what would you do with forever? if all your days were the same? what would you live for? i live for tracey i cant live without her and she speaks more to me than before every day some messages on my blog or replies ive sent to hers so blogging actually means more to me than any art... just expressing myself no matter how stupid it is and tracey understands... most, almost everyone just gets insanely infatuated with me then tire of me dump me and get someone average instead its happened so many times but wasnt that with bella and i treasure our time together she appretiated everything about me eventhough she did want me to grow "you are my flower" and i made art music poetry about her thats over now and my creative side is done with i dont know if i feel better i feel nothing most of the time but not like manic depressives "emptiness", but just calm playing computergames does make me happy and watching them was fun for awhile but i prefer reading also mostly stupid comments on bitchute or else i get lonely... but i dont feel much lonely and this is the thing i felt worse before i jumped which was why i jumped i didnt want anything to do with the psychiatric system and they leave me mostly alone now last time i got into the hospital i was in somatic care and it was much better anyway my body is warm though i cant sense most of it my feet are cold so thats not good and they look weird and sorta disfigured... so dont know if i can heal that though i have good healing flesh and i finally realized my skin is real soft the other day seems eating a lot of proteins improves my tactile sense so will continue with that otherwise yes theres some mean nurses but theyre not always mean sometimes theyre sweet and laugh and tell jokes even and theres one im real fond of ill probably never say i love her and i dont think it would make any difference... i adore her, and she likes me but shes married, and has kids... what would you do with forever? would you get married? and fuck and do drugs all the time? it is said "50 years of love makes a woman look like a wreck but 50 years of marriage makes a woman look like a public building" and what am i then? im less feminine now and less male too thats another thing now that my libido is out of function i cant remember the last time i had a boner like once a month or less and it lasts for a second or two and is barely visible... hard or flaccid... but it was my libido which made me chaotic to which ive lost many wonderful women and male amazing friends over so i dont miss it i dont miss going on walks since i havent done that for 5 years almost and i guess i miss fountain house although, i got really badly treated there in the beginning and especially at the end but i also had my own faults to blame for it... so many amazing people but as rock stars say... all people are the same all places are the same and i got a good view from my window a beautiful summers day so the world is beautiful still and its inhabitants as ive said numerous times ive forgiven everyone and everything since some years back... and if the world ends soon as they say on conspiracy sites... i dont really mind its been an incredible journey and i look forward to the next one what would you do with forever? would you waste it? would you appretiate it? would you spend it on wine women and song? or on intellectuality? on reading books? or seeing endless mindnumbing thriller series? would you spend it with the one? or with numerous? would you get a career? or feed on the system? would you kill? would you love? would you kill for love? would you die for your love? ...like bella said about me... anyway, im quite dazed right now no anxiety in sight though so thats good had my dinner its been good the last 2 weeks before then, for some time i barely ate anything it just wasnt good and i was constipated too lost 3kgs weigh 109kg now down from 140kg 2 years ago... i dont wish much from life i just live it i dont think about myself i just live life i dont think what others think of me i think of more things to say wise things to say jokes fantasize some and i wish some had gotten true but everything turned true with bella so i dont mind dont want STDs anyway... i have 1 true friend dont know people have more if any... in this fake plastic photoshopped world what would you do with forever? im content with how it is now and til forever its much better than before in every way though some years at fountain house were amazing... but with bella i sometimes woke up and think "damn im so happy!" so she was the best... im happy now in somatic care i didnt want the psychiatrics hands on me anymore and my wish became true to everyone out there that takes a lot of meds look them up online look up your disorders too mental or physical youll notice that its easier to learn more than doctors or nurses nowadays know i am now down to 7 pills per day but it could be even less from maybe 20 or 30 before one pill was for an ailment then i got another one to treat its side effects and the doctors stayed quiet and the nurses said "thats a good pill!" but i learnt otherwise anyway as i often say too i dont want a trippy world i am a trip all by myself i dont feel a lot but elicit emotions in others same goes with working out which i have documented for awhile i worked out 2 hours per day or more just air resistance, just my right bicep but i lost 9 kgs in a month that way! and people started screaming and argumenting at me but that was just my changed testosterone levels my changed aura and people started being fake the staff here of course dont meet anyone else except for miss mum who is amazing and a survivor her husband died quite a few years ago and she lingers on... anyway its a blue blue sky no chemtrails here nope and soon they will change my diaper and bedsheets maybe and ill go to sleep and dream a sweet dream... and well see what the next day has to offer... what would you do with forever? "id spent it with you" as whitney houston says <3
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