9 a.m. abrubtly awaken by his hands on my, my naked body. Not Now, Not now. Tired Go back to sleep. Where am I? Tracing the steps back to the night before. Headache. Hungover. Two hours of sleep. His hands are touching me. But you know, i, I, I just want to sleep. No. I said no. Four times or maybe five, but it was peeps and not screams and the girl the night before said that that means you have yourself to blaim because boys will be boys. Turn away. Close my eyes. Go someplace. Please, stop touching me. I don’t get angry. I just wan’t to go away. I freeze and all I know is that I don’t want to be here. So I pretend to have fallen asleep. Play dead. Play dead. Play dead. If I close my eyes maybe he’ll stop or atleast I can pretend that I’m not here. It all feels so surreal. Hands still all over me, dick rubbing against me, but no this can’t be rape. No, not rape. Because I, I am a militant feminist. If anybody ever tried to rape me I would rip their fucking dick off in a split second. Without hesitation. Keeps touching me, but I’m long gone into some sick sick survival mode. I have left the building and gone nowhere. My body though is trapped in a bed, in a house, with a guy I don’t know, in a place I don’t know where. I just know I don’t want to be here. And all I want to do is sleep. So tired. I have to end it. Have to fake it so it can end. Fake it. Fake it. Fake it. Just orgasm, so it will end. So uncomfortable in my own skin. It feels so weird, can’t define my mind’s total numbness as it’s trapped in my abyss. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It wasn’t suppoed to happen to me ever. Try to rape Alexander, you recieve the wrath, but caught off guard my mind went blank and my body checked out. Did it happen? Is it for real, because it doesn’t feel real. I just want to get away from him. No! Don’t caress me. Pull his hand from mine. But he has to help me find my way back to the city, ironically though he’s made me feel more lost than ever. Goodbye, throw away your email and every trace of your existence nad everything that happened. No feelings of revenge, no gathering of evidence, all is full of emptiness. Tell myself to not ever tell anyone. Secret. This never happened. Never. Never. Never. Because, I, I am not a victim. Not a victim. Ever. Ever. Ever. But I am. I am. I am. NO NEVER. never, never. So I go to sleep and Sleep for 17 FUCKING hours. That was what I wanted to do to begin with anyways.