If I scream, manipulate or take a hold of your leg and won't let go, relax, it's just the way I say "I love you and I want you to stay"

Mama talked about how much I had ruined her life plans and how I was something to still the loneliness with. She could easily have done an abortion, she said. Daddy popped up like a Jack in the box every fortnight and provided food and shelter but not really a home. I clutched for every piece of love they gave - a kind word or words without meaning.

I learned to stand on my own two feet and they took it as good parenting, but it was just a lack there of. And now, years later, they don't know me and I don't know them, which scares me sometimes.

I now have a skewed look on love because of all the soap operas that raised me and because of my parent's lack of interest in me when the next job pile needed to be done or the next man was just around the corner - according to the tarot cards.

Mama always said she loved me and was proud of me, even if I had done nothing to deserve it. Daddy never really hugged me, even less said he was proud. But they fought - every time they met - and mama pinpointed afterwards all the bad habits I had in common with daddy (when he wasn't near) and he, was just silent or said the reversed (when she wasn't near).

My given name was rarely uttered in anything else but frustration or anger by them and soon it became a word I didn't react to. Even today, when someone writes or utters my name, I flinch for a second and then relax. So, don't think I don't love you - I have just never learned to express it - as normal people do.