I don't know why, but I always end up being a human punching bag for someone that I care for / or care about. It is like all I am good for is being a carpet for their dirt to be wiped off on, and as age becomes a factor I began to resent that more and more.
Being alone isn't the worst thing that can happen to you, I been alone most of my life and those years alone where always the best ones. Most fun things happened. I never had to worry about anyone but myself, etc.
And as a survivor of a few relationships with women I'm seeing a pattern of nastiness that women use to force / guilt you into their way of thinking and prioritizing.
And this I have grown to resent a lot.
It takes a lot of patience to be with a women, and nativity (because you have to forget the last relationship in order to be foolish enough to take on a new one, or desperately lonely where you no longer care either way)
I hear these nasty comments women attach you with, and I am thinking what if I said that, that way, that would be a end of relationship comment right there. And this is something as a man you will just have to take, several times a day.
Some might say my interest in women have dwindled a lot - These nice things they make you feel (and they do do that too) doesn't outweigh the horrible things they make you feel about yourself most of the time...
I honestly think relationships in general (but mostly with women) are so damaging that I think drug abuse or alcoholism is less harmful...
My wife always says
"who are you chatting with?" as in a way of checking if I am chatting with another woman. But why would I do that to myself? I don't dream of being with another woman, I dream of being left alone from women in general.
You see, we are in this mists of splitting up. She is chatting to other men, and she wanted me to do the same (tinder) I started chatting to some women there. But then I was like, fuck it. It is not worth it. Life is to short to be trying to live up to some spoiled woman's expectations. So I just stopped and removed that tinder shit.
I was right to keep to myself, I knew it from the beginning. I rather have women as friends, because that way they still talk to you with respect. And they have a politeness that just disappears and disappears quickly once your in a relationship.
"What about fucking?" you might ask me...
Well, to be honest a good bike ride or a nice drunkenness' beats fucking, even a great fuck any given day.
I'm just tired of trying really hard but still somehow feeling like a disappointment to someone you care so much about.
I never sought relationships, but before I where in long term relationships I didn't know why I was so reluctant.
There is just too much bullshit that comes with it.
And it is not worth it,
so when break up is finalized I will go back to live my life like a free human being.
And I will cherish every single self made decision, because it is a rare jewel...
A jewel that I will now be able to truly treasure and appreciate.
And I guess I wouldn't have learned it, without women and their toxic ways,
so in a way I am thankful for those lessons!