Hi, earthling!
You’ll probably think I’m just a prankster having left this note in your mail box to make fun of you. You’ll never think that I’m from another planet. Yet you couldn’t be more wrong. Actually this note was put in your mailbox by ghzzraf phasing past time and space. It was actually in the box before yesterday when it wasn’t really there. Weird, huh? And the fact that we placed it there using this method means that it wasn’t put there by someone from earth who wanted a laugh. Although this is based on a higher form of logic that you humans still have yet to discover so you’ll have to take my word for it.
I know you consider yourself just a regular Joe, a man in his best years who don’t think very much of himself but more, ‘good enough’. You’ve grown a mustache on your upper lip that makes you think you look sophisticated. (I could give you a lecture on how wrong you are, based on an essay I wrote back in elementary school, but I won’t since you again probably wouldn’t understand a word of it.) And right now you’re feeling a bit pissed about having been made to choke on your morning coffee by reading this. All this will make it hard for you to accept the following words. So I suggest you put down that cup of coffee instead of taking another sip and read on carefully.
The truth is that an alien baby has been planted within you, and we very much would like to take it back now. The baby is in fact the next heir to the high seat of our planet, the Ghharzf Throne, so it’s pretty important.
I’d like you to meet me in the Courtney Bar on Friday. You think you could do that? (If you don’t we’ll burn down your house using gamma rays swaying in a pretty nasty way, making it look as if it happened due to natural causes.) I know you usually hang out there this particular day of the week. Well here’s a surprise: So do we! I thought it would be a wonderful opportunity to meet you and maybe exchange body fluids. And of course I don’t mean it the way you think. (Maybe some perverted part of you inferior brain for a moment now even thought this letter was all just a way of beating around the bush and an invitation to some sweaty orgy – well I’m sorry, but you were wrong.) Just a little pinch from a needle is all that’s needed and we’ve got what we want.
I’ll be wearing a long red dress and a lily behind my ear. You won’t be able to miss me.

See you there!

Sincerely, Zzorghblaff

PS.

Don’t worry. I’ll recognize you by seeing you entering the bar in rage, waving your arms over your head, demanding to know who wrote this ‘bloody’ letter. I’m looking forward to that.

DS.