Daddy, I love you...

I wished it would all slow down, as I was hitting the ground. Why was this supposed to happen? I promise you, I would trade everything I have for an answer.

You can’t hear my words, no matter how much I try to speak with you. You can’t see me, no matter how much I wave my little hands in front of you. You can’t see me at all and that hurts. You and I are separated because my name is written among the stars. I love you, daddy.

I saw tears falling to the ground a cold winter morning. I waved my little hand in a desperate attempt to wipe the salt from your cheeks, but it was in vain. Your tears kept getting more and more. I sat right beside you on the bridge and took your hand. Unconsciously, you put your head in my lap, as if you knew I was there. Did you?
The snow was white on the ground. The same snow that I once saw as something fun to play with, had now become what kept me warm at night. I could smell the scent of roses from where I slept: roses that could easily rest on my snow-white blanket. It was you daddy, who put the roses there. You had mom’s hand in yours, as if you sought solace from each other. You were standing in front of a large black stone where my name was written in gold, and your tears turned my snow cover into the very most fragile of glass.

Another time I saw you sit alone on the bridge again. Know that I am always watching over you. With minor steps I walked slowly towards you that time, I didn’t want to scare you with my presence, even though I knew that you in fact would be thrilled to see me. But we were not supposed to meet right now, not yet. So I would have to wait a little bit longer. I tried to sit as close as possible to you just to get your attention a bit, but I had learned by now, that it would never really happen as long as we were apart in time and space.

Why is it really, that when you know what you want to say to someone, it’s always too late? I often said the words to you, at least I want to believe so, but I could have said it so much more. There will always be times when we don’t know what to say to others, but this wasn’t one of those times. This time I knew exactly what I wanted to say. It was just a little too late for me to say it to you just one more time. It was the last words that left my mouth before the water separated us, it was the last three words I struggled to say. I had no more power in my body at this time, I know that you understood that, but I felt that I wanted to gather all my power one last time just to say the words to you. The three words that would be the last thing I ever said. As soon as the words had left my mouth I closed my eyes and welcomed the light. I was now gone from the reality hell on earth that the world had created, in which you were still living in. The three little words were my last ones, and how I wish I had the chance to say them again.

I can see sadness in your green eyes daddy, as you are looking out over the ice where we once were ice-skating. I can see how you are taking on the shape of a broken father as time slowly goes by. But please know that I am okay and know that my only wish is for you to go on with your life until we meet again. I am safe now, in a beautiful place called heaven.

One night I could see you watching out over the sunset, the one I had arranged especially for you that evening. And for a second, just a brief of time, I could see a little smile in your face. Daddy, you knew this sky was yours from me, right? Because I know that smile, and it’s the one you always get when you are going back down the memory lane of us two together. I know that smile because it always fades away and turns to tears of love so painful.

I have accepted the fact that my life ended way too soon, that my time on earth is through. But I can’t accept, not yet, that I had to leave the ones I love behind. That is why I haven’t left quite yet. I am always watching over you daddy: everyone I love on earth. I have tried to show you that I am okay; that I am thankful for everything you ever gave me, that it was enough though the time we had together wasn’t. You made my life, but I was only one chapter in yours, so please daddy go on, because there will be more to it. I am going to wait right here for you until the time has come when we meet again. It will take time, and I will be there for you along the way, but your book is far from an ending yet. Live life abundantly on earth, until we meet again. And know that I can be found in you whenever.

Daddy, when I said my three last words to you, it was of all my heart. Everything I ever wanted to say, but didn’t have the time to say, echoed in that last sentence. That last scream, and I hope you heard it all. Deep down, I know you did. I know it, because when my world stopped for a moment just to let me look at you for one last glance, I saw it in your face expression that you had heard me. The pain in your eyes told me that you understood that that could be the last time we saw each other in this world. You realised it and started to cry. I cried too and reached out my hand for you to hold just so you would understand that no matter what, I would always stay with you. I wanted to tell you that when my time on earth was through, no matter when this actually was, I would always be found in you. But I couldn’t reach you. I was too small and you were too far away. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and imagined myself being somewhere far better, just with you, under a pink bright sky. But when I opened my eyes again I just saw a light. I was gone daddy, physically. But I will never be gone from you completely.

It has been six years daddy, and I try not to cry, because I know you don’t like it when I cry. I try to be strong for you, I always try, but it hurts. Because I need you now like I needed you then, but I am going to be strong because you told me we would meet again someday. I really, really miss you though. And I can see from where I am that this is tough on you too. But daddy I promise you that we will meet again, just like you said, I know that now. I just don’t know when.

I learned how to sail on the clouds this summer daddy, I wish you could see how good I have become. Even though it is different now, it’s in some ways just like before. I am longing for you to sail with me daddy, it’s a long way to heaven but I know you will get here someday.

You know you help me very often daddy, just by being you. When I feel alone sometimes for example, I use to think of our time together. Everything we ever did together, every word we ever shared together, all of it. The thoughts of you are like a big, shiny crystal ball, showing small pictures of every big moment in life. Those images make me happy again. You daddy, you always make me smile.

It’s time for me to go to bed now. I have written a message for you and mom in the sky tonight. Look for me among the stars and you will see the message I wrote for you.

Remember, you are the greatest daddy.

With love,

Your guardian angel