I want to do a photo shoot of my body
my body that I've hated, loved, hated,
wanted to change, changed and loved again

I want to do a photo shoot
of my body that they hated
the face they called ugly
my skin suit that houses my soul

I want to do a photo shoot
to show I am not thin
I am round
even fat
and I have battle scars
where the scalpel once was

I want to do a photo shoot
to prove that trans and queer is not androgyny
it is not white and skintight
a starving woman cosplaying masculinity

I want to do a photo shoot
to show them that they lost
but most importantly - that I've won
because I did win
I did survive

I survived your hate,
your words trown like bullets
like knifes finding their sheath
in my body and soul

I want to do a photo shoot
for the person who hid in a bathroom
to escape the torment, the loneliness
and alien-ness

I want to do a photo shoot
to reach out, to show another side of the coin
another side of me
the side that I found
when I stopped listening to you

Because your voices still rings in my head
your words still being written
in the book of my soul
the book that lists every memory
for my anxiety to read

I want to do a photo shoot
with my fat, my scars, my unending love for myself
and my secret wish to be thin
to have a flat stomach
to fullfill some ideal that I do not even want

I want do a photo shoot
for the lonely teenager
who faced bullying in school
only to find more of it at home

I want to do a photo shoot
for the nonbinary trans
who were told they needed to lose weight
to lose weight through top surgery

I want to do a photo shoot
to tell my inner weeping child
who flinches at loud voices
and expects violence
that they are loved
that they are wonderful
that the violence is only a memory

I want to do a photo shoot
to show all casual fat hostile comments
that they can burn in a fire
I am wonderful, I am vibrant, I am alive

Life is not thinness
life is not fading
life is not unending pain

Life is an everyday struggle
to hear our own voice over the judgement from others

I want to do a photo shoot
to tell me that I've won
and like the pain
the violence

You are nothing more than a memory