8:15 pm
Washington State

I peer through the window and my heart is caught by the way the citylights burn in my eyes. I know that somewhere behind the tall buildings and millions of people there are stars. Bright and burning, a constant reminder that no matter how far I go I can never escape the smallness of the world.
There’s a boy next to me, he’s watching me carefully as he, for the first time, whispers “I love you”.
My world stops for a second, the citylights disappear. When I turn my eyes to look at him all I can think is “I’m sorry”.

I’m sorry that you fell in love with someone who can never offer you anything more than half a heart. I am sorry that I let you believe that I could ever be anything permanent. I am sorry that I never told you that I will leave you confused and sad because I’ve spent my life running and I don’t know how to stop.

But I will smile, laugh it off like I always do. Because accepting love is accepting weakness and I never learned how to let love strengthen you. I never understood that the necklace he made around my neck with his bare hands is not what it should be like and I spent so many years trying to escape that. I spent so much time looking for a way out that the road leading me away became the only place I could feel safe.

I will dance the night away in Las Vegas, I will get high with strangers in Oregon, I will sleep on the roof of a car in Idaho, I will spend time behind bars and I will scream my anger out in San Fransisco. I will do it all just to know that life won't escape me if I live it to the fullest.

But when I come crashing down from the heights I can't help but wonder if I'm really true to myself? Is this really living or am I just escaping? When the beat leaves my bones and I’m left with the aching emptiness of silence all I want is to be accepted in to the arms of someone who understands my mind and my soul. I want to be able to tell someone “i love you, too” without feeling the claustrophobia and regret coursing through my veins.

But I will smile, laugh it off like I always do. Because love is accepting weakness. And when the burden of loneliness becomes to much I will pack my bags and I will leave. I will face the unknown tomorrow and I know that am strong enough because I only have myself.
I think I will build myself a home here.
Nothing more than
me
the road
and no destination.