I held you tight, watching your skin turn into porcelain. Still clutching you tightly wanting to hold on to you as long as possible even though I knew.
But even at this moment I didn\'t want to hold you too hard in case you\'d break. You looked so delicate like a porcelain doll. But I would never have said that out loud, I knew you shuddered at the word. You never liked dolls.
Despite all I smiled.
Such a weird thing to think about now.

And as I saw your brownish skincolour turn into fair white I realized it was what you always wanted to be; fair.
You always wished you weren\'t so dark-skinned.
I smiled again at the memory of you stroking my always so cold body with your warm finger admiring the fair colour of my skin.
And the way you said you liked flatchested girls when we met and yet my breasts seemed to be what fascinated you the most on my body when our relationship came to that.
The way you used to tenderly explore them with your hands, fingers, lips, mouth, tounge...

I kept smiling as I remembered. The way you had helped me through my darkest times with your love, The way you always held me tight when I cried...
Now your arms held no strenght, and even though I hugged you I got no response.
I saw your face then, the same as your sleeping expression. I remebered how I used to love the face, but still somewhere always be scared that he would never open his eyes again to dazzle me with his piercing passionate eyes. The eyes that trapped my soul and heart with chains, chains that wouldn\'t let me go for anything in the world. I was bound to you. But now that your eyes let go of me the chains forgot it\'s binding strenght.

It wasn\'t until I had remembered everything about you, your tensionreleasing smile, your passionate kisses, the hugs of warmth, the help when I was down, your lovely, alluring voice... even the arguments where we screamed at eachother, and the tears and the asking for forgiveness.
It wasn\'t until I realized everything you\'d done for me, You becomming my home when my parents kicked me out, you being my safe harbor and the one who held me when I cried, the one who taught me how to trust and to see the truth. You\'re the one who helped me face the hardest decision in my life, to stand up to my parents. You\'re the one who always stood up for me when people made me sad. And yet again you were the one who when I was about to give up told me you loved me....

And it wasn\'t until your warmth disappeared that the smile left my face and the tears came. The one I loved. The you who I loved so much. The warmth that had kept me alive for all of these years...

I screamed then. Right out into the sky. My tears streaming down my face, the blood dripping into the snow, my throat risping. The sound that was supposed to wake every neighbour make every person at the party come to the backyard, was barely a whisper.
Why? No! I need help. They can save him! I need to help him!
I tried to rise from my sitting in the snow, but frozen as I was I couldn\'t move.
I can\'t let this happen! I have to help him...
Suddenly the dizziness overpowered me and I fell on top of him. The cold stone of a body, the person I onced loved. He was gone...

I kissed him one last time before I closed my eyes and put my head to his chest. I had no tears left, no pain.

Only memories flooded my thoughts. Happy memories of our life. And once agan I heard his voice whispering lovely words in my ears, smelled his lovely cologne, saw his smile and tasted once again his lips on mine, kissing me gently.

And his wonderfully warm arms embraced not caring that I now also was a porcelain doll, with a bloody dress.