Tonight I am ready to take on the world. Tonight I don’t fear, I don’t care about who I am most nights. Tonight I will stand and face the blind deaf stone, alone. Tonight I will write from the heart, unopposed, without fear to cloud my clarity. I don’t care about tomorrow, or where I will stand a few hours from now. I ride this feeling, into the night. Tonight, I bare arms. Tonight I stand strong. I sit listening to the rain against my window. Tonight it will not awoke restlessness. I will just listen to the sound, how the wind blows through the structure of the building, making hard, ridged things bend and twist, and creek, you could feel it, a millimeter here, a millimeter there, and back, the whole building was swaying… It was beautiful. So was the rain, this perfect painting that continuingly was melting away, like tears from the cheek of a loved one… I felt, I mean… wow, I felt… The way the stale air smelled… shit, I broke the unwritten rule, you don’t change timeframe, well fuck it… this is my fucking book, It is my mind, here I make the rules. I walk around the room, feeling this feeling… Something the rose above the pain, stood above the pain, looking down at it, grinning, saw the patheticness of the pain, squirming, begging, the weakness… But there was something beyond it, beyond the voice that wanted to quit, and behind the screams for mercy… Another voice, that wants to continue, see HOW FAR you can go? How far you can take it? How will you wear such a heavy hole? How will I fare? I am not a strong man, I don’t have massive muscles, BUT I felt strong, I was flexing, felt the air kissing my skin, nipping the skin, something almost cold was tender against my hot skin, radiating outwards. I was a beast. A killer. I didn’t give a dame. A brute force. Nothing could touch me, only this, and it was kissing me ferociously… The cells where electrifying, they say we are more energy than matter, I never really knew what that meant… until now! Set me free. Take me away from the things that tries to keep me frightened. I am here to oppose it’s will, THEIR will. Time faded, hours past, I felt less strong, less invisible… at the end I was just staring at the computer screen. I rejected their ways, I was leading the way, our last hope… AND IT WAS FULL OF SHIT AND I LIE BUT I DIDN’T CARE… I NEEDED TO BELIEVE MORE THAN I NEEDED THE TRUTH… it was fading alright, the bullshit began pouring in. Flooding the lines, the thoughts, my eyes were tired, but was they really? How could I get here? I was feeling it so strongly, I acted it out… now the coward was gaining ground.
I just wanted to die, lost in the blue mountains, surrendered to the eternity of things, the endlessness, is it true… Is the really no such thing as death? Is all an illusion? I was stumbling around, feeling the coldness of the floor invading, piercing the skin of my feet, going in through the toes… yes, I was freezing, yes I was dying, Yes I was lonely, but was I? am I? people felt like an act, and I was forced to act along with the act, caught in a act, this acting… I remembered situations, scenes acted out. I was at the party, full of rich people, lawyers, doctors, and models, girls with expensive dresses. And I was talking to them, about deep existential things, and they really listened. I was listening to this girl, beautify girl, intelligent. I was staring into her blue beautiful eyes. Watching her lips move. The moist of the lips. The whiteness of her teeth. I was holding this glass of sparkling wine, and suddenly. This strong urge to throw it in her face. And that was followed by a even stronger urge, to flat out hit her. There was something in me, begging for power, I quelled this feeling… The blue mountains had to wait. I was still stuck in this insanity, listening to it, breathing it, consuming it, being eaten up by it. We accept the murders, the rapes, the crimes, the corrupted leaders, bankers, we accept it all. Just give us a roof over our head, and a job to do. Somewhere I just know, we would get so much more done without fear.
but of course, I am a civil, polite man. I know when to smile, when a joke will ease tension… When eye contact is important to establish a since of connection. She was smiling. She was beautiful. I am still a calm creature. I was drunk, living in this world, and I was smiling… a glorious smile. Standing with people on a balcony, sharing jokes, smoking cigarettes, I was a success. I was light. I was soul. I was an human warmth. I am a pulse. They could feel my heart beat, and they loved it sound close to them, it made them feel alive to… It was contagious. I am contagious. My smile… glorious.