the girl behind the counter when i bought cigarettes complimented my hair, so it must mean it's ugly
when a bartender asks if i'm single, i'm sure he does it to make me feel insecure, to make me notice that i'm lonely & nobody wants me
i'm alone
i can't see how anyone would notice me & think "they're pretty, i wonder what goes on in their head?" because i was taught as a child that no one would ever feel attracted to someone like me
i am cold
society standards teach anyone that desire is the most desired form of attraction, you have to be desired, wanted, to get affection
but i'm not any of that, & even if i consider myself quite handsome from time to time, i'm still lonely
you get taught that love is the most genuine & truthful in this otherwise so broken & ugly world that disgust me, i disgust me, who would ever want someone as broken as me?
i am as faulty & full of flaws as the nature around me, ran down in so many ways for mankind to use & use & use. until there's nothing left to cherish or to admire.
i am invisible, for i have fought so many wars in this body, against myself & every hurtful word that was put as a weapon in my mouth, directly aimed for my heart
i was told i'm ugly, disgusting, too much or too little of everything that ever was desired. & you must be desired to walk freely in this world.
i am alone, as a lonely pine tree after all the forest was harvested & animals have fled the ground, lacking warmth & hiding spots to cover themselves from danger

but i am invincible for i will not let this war get me down. i will rise & rise & rise until this body, this space of flesh & blood will become my own again, free from self hatred & harmful words, still aiming for my spirit
i will stand, because they cannot reach me & i will stand strong, for the ground is my own
i will climb the few trees that are left, i will grow thick roots as i climb even higher on these branches & i will hold on ever so tightly, letting the leaves protect me as i ride out storms to come
winds will keep coming, trying to blow us over. & we might bend, but we will not break.