It hasn't been this hard in a long time
Tomorrow I might be gone, dead, resting away
or I might still be here wishing that I wasn't

You know why the odds are playing against me?
If you do, let me know, and I'll see if I can forgive you
Of all the ways this could have gone
I'm wondering why everything seems to slip away
Why feelings are nothing but distractions and
I wish I cared
but every day is another reason for me to melt away
and I can't tell if my desperation is real
or just a wish

Dreams are too close to reality sometimes
Maybe sometimes I can dream of being beat up by strong hands
tied down and spat at
Maybe it could make me feel something
if it ever really happened
And maybe it could get me some attention
still not sure if that's what I want
or need
And I still dream of you hating me for all I am
and I'm not sure I see any reason to hate me at all
but it doesn't matter
what's real doesn't matter
when it keeps falling apart

Still I want you to know
I can't be happy about everything that I put myself through
Some scars are more visible than others
but I'm responsible for more of them than you might think
Even if you know me, there's no real telling where I'll be
Don't ask, there's no telling
I've lost myself among the thoughts
I wish didn't have the time to be
but everything is at the side of confusion
Everyone knows what it's like to be me
and they all have the greatest advice
I wonder when they will dream like I do
I wonder when they will sleep like I do
I wonder when they will listen like I do
when there's so much ringing and nowhere to go

Mm, don't doubt that I enjoy your words of useless advice
Thinking that a whole lifetime might pass without any understanding
frightens me more than anything you can say about me
How do I connect with you when I'm so far away?
I'm not sure I'm struggling to get close anymore
Maybe I'm silently leaning back into the knowledge that I'm
actually
never
getting
out
And I am so lost
So lost that sometimes I can't even think
I can be everything but I still lose
I can be nothing but I'm still expected to succeed
The only time you love me is when you can say that
you believe in me, and you will protect me
so that you won't feel as useless
and helpless
as I do
You never really expected anything to go wrong
so how the hell can I trust you? You're not prepared
You've never sunk the way I'm sinking
and you've never had anyone there to trust you
but ran away instead of catching you when you fall

Yell all you want
I'm tired of these games
I have to question all I believe in
but I wonder when you will do the same
Sometimes is pointless
Always is a lie
Right now is what I can't take
and tomorrow will be the same
just like yesterday

I will never love you or anyone else in this life
as long as you don't leave me
I wish I wanted you
but I never will
I'm cold
You're deceitful
and I'm lost