Vibrations through the base of my life
The top of my head shakes and spins and--
I can’t really tell.
The world that failed us falls through my fingers,
a world I believed to be yours
I am distracted by the sound of laughter and the pointing of fingers
A thought leans against one of my many fences,
I lean against the other side.
Maybe I died all those years ago.


In my world I could always tell the future,
see the beast that still awaits around the corner, arms outstretched, claws out,
evil and treacherous because I wish it so
Yet I walk to it willingly.
I pinch myself to escape, but my last adventure went too far and it has left impenetrable scar tissue
I pinch, but I don’t feel
Now I can’t even close my eyes.


You and me are doomed, yes, cause you’re hopelessly selfish and naïve,
and me, well, I’m just hopeless.


Mind to head, heart to chest, stomach to thigh
Inhale, exhale – good-willed and kind like the act of a parent, or malicious and deceitful like the act of one of you?
Nevertheless, I breathe in and fill my lungs all up with someone else’s air
Still words lodge in my throat and pain like a piece of metal trapped beneath my fingernail
You are someone.
Maybe I died all those years ago.
How can I be sure?
Again, I am distracted by the sound of laughter and bruises collecting like ants,
then melting like a block of ice.


I see you now, pursing your lips and blowing, becoming a cool summer breeze above the body of a dead man.
Your mind is heavy now, stained and full of guilt like the skin of my hands
I don’t think any of us are innocent anymore.


I only give out tears of concrete, not soft and moist like the fingers that reach up to wipe them away
Fingers that press against my skin, wishing to rip it, fingers with nails that push and bite at my face
harder.
You changed.


Love me until my wishes cease to matter
A love strong enough to piece my eyelids
Unable to look away, cause now I can’t even close my eyes.
Blunt like a pair of scissors,
push, push
harder.


No thoughts of the dreams that were crushed by fists,
not ever.

No thoughts of the screams that followed.

No thoughts of the life that was lost
somewhere above the cried-out concrete
but beneath the fires of our rage.

No thoughts
not ever
push, push
Harder.


I will never forgive you.


Needles press into my skin and I pop like a balloon
Off I go, soaring through air, through time, through my imagination
And when I wake up I am torn, in pieces
Can I leave my thoughts in the sun and let them burn?
Like reading your own suicide note to someone who doesn’t care,
still, for my own sake, I have to let you know
that even without you I am still doomed.