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By the window

The darkest hour glass recall,
exhumed by the mirror night,
not yet risen in the breeze horizon,
feeds on anguish moon lost
and the terror of breaking afterbirth.

The war of silence seeds the coming
of the long night wave of tears
good bye cannot fulfill.
The longing for just one star
more than anything is a dying breath
that walks your shadow
deep into the grim ground.




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Läst 234 gånger och applåderad av 1 personer
Publicerad 2009-07-31 12:18



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    Fredrik Hansen
Nice, interesting poem. However I do not complete understand the meaning. The first stanza sounds like its about a zombie as far I can understand while the second is more like resignation. Although I did not quite have a profound understanding of the plot I have found a few awkward wordings:

1st line: do you mean hourglass? else I would use a definite article.
2nd and 3rd lines: the paradox between exhumed and not yet risen might confuse the reader.
3rd line: you can not put two nouns in front of each other like breeze horizon, you could possibly change it to breezy.
4th line: I do not see the meaning of moon lost in this line, less awkward might be to put a coma between anguish and moon.
6th line: seeds can not be used as a verb, you could use seeded instead or put another coma between seeds and the.
8th line: this line is too linear, put a coma or a semicolon to break it down into two parts.
11th line: slightly awkward structure, I can see a much smoother sentence if there would be beside between walks and your.

I really liked the wording of the first stanza, however I find the ambiguity of the plot in second more pleasing.
Thank you/ Fredrik
2009-07-31
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