Anxious. Restless. And mentally exhausted. She had locked herself in the tiny toilet of her school. For a moment she was alone. Finally. There was nothing but pure silence. And then the tormenting sound of her breath growing faster for every passing instant. She felt her heart beating rapidly, as if it was about to explode from her chest. Her eyes filled with tears, she looked at herself in the mirror and started to weep bitterly. As she had done so many nights before, while her family was asleep, she cried without making any audible noise. If somebody passed the door, nothing would have been heard. She put her hands in front of her eyes and sank to the cold floor. With her right hand shaped like a clenched fist, she began to hit the wall that surrounded her. Once. Twice. And then several times, as if she wanted to break herself free from everything that enclosed her from the outside world. And so did her soul. But in vain. She tried to scream, but she couldn’t obtain any word. Nevertheless her soul was shouting furiously inside her. I can’t take it anymore! Someone please just kill me! Now! The world would be better off without me anyway...I don’t belong here. Just take me away! Otherwise...So many thoughts circulated in her head contemporaneously, causing her a terrible headache.
It was a day like every other day. Completely normal and nothing special, she thought. Everything had followed the same routine she took every other morning. The alarm-clock had woken her up, pushed her to the bathroom, then off to the kitchen, preparing a fast breakfast with the hot coffee warming her up. The bus had taken her like usual to school, where she had finally sunken down at her desk. On the outside she seemed like an average girl. Her classmates and teachers knew her from being an amusing person and above all always smiling. But what people hadn’t discovered yet, was her great ability of lying. Over the past months she had developed a capacity of telling lies and faking her own and true feelings. Fact was she couldn’t stand herself. Deep inside of her, there was like a war going on. Awkward voices telling her that nothing she did was ever good enough. All she ever wanted to do was satisfying her parents, but maybe most of all herself, her soul. She was so tired of always being less talented than all her friends and older siblings that she even began to believe in her spirit. The sensation of being completely out of place in this world grew stronger every time she was in company. This constant obsession of comparing herself with others drove her absolutely crazy. Too often she had put up a faked smile, when inside her soul felt literary broken. Too many times she had seen her parent’s disappointed eyes when she had missed the mark. For far too long she had kept all her feelings hidden deep inside. Why couldn’t she just talk to somebody? Tell her family that she didn’t manage to live up to all those expectations anymore?
Now she had fled to the toilet like so many times before. There she could for a moment be she and let all her emotions break free. But this time crying didn’t seem to serve the relief. It wasn’t enough. She was in need of something stronger. To help her make it through also this day, she required something more powerful than simple tears.
She opened the inner pocket of her schoolbag and pulled out a small squared plastic wrapping. She opened it and looked for a while at the object inside of it. For a second she shot her eyes. Slowly she got to her feet and opened them again. She observed her face; her skin was pale like the walls, her eyes had become red from desperation. The tear had wiped out her makeup so that now there were only some black traces of her mascara left, scattered under her dark eyes. She took a deep breath and with her right hand she pulled carefully out the object from the wrapping. Her legs felt a big shaky and she felt extremely nervous. Go for it! Do it now! You need it! She rolled up her left sleeve and took another deep breath. She held up the back of her left wrist and placed the small razor blade upon it. She began to press and pull it on her skin until she noticed a red liquid on the surface. Good! Very good! Now more! Don’t stop! It hurt. A lot. But she didn’t stop. She obeyed her inner voice. She continued to cut her wrist, while the blood continued to flow. She felt her vein pumping out the blood. It had become very dark and cold. She took up her left arm and watched the blood run down her arm. For an instant she focused on the pain. It wasn’t like the anxiety she’d felt so many times before, it was different. (This time) It was physical. Now she felt she could just forget about all her problems and worries. She didn’t care if it hurt. To her great surprise she was now able to feel all that she’d desired for so long: Liberation. Relief. Alleviation. All of a sudden her complete soul seemed so much lighter. The voices inside of her head had finally become silent. She took a deep breath of respite. Immediately she got a completely new sensation. She found herself in a new existence. This time composed. Unperturbed. And physically revitalized.
The moment she turned up her head to look at herself in the mirror, she noticed something completely unexpected. She wasn’t alone anymore. Behind her there was a small girl gazing at her with eyes filled with fear and incredibility. Her mouth and eyes wide open, she tried to scream. She took some steps backwards and then began to run her way out into the corridor. What have I done? Look at what I’ve done! That poor innocent girl! What about her now?! How the hell could I forget to lock the door?! What’s wrong with me?! What the fuck am I doing (with my life)?!